hey

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:25 am Post Subject:

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a bulldog are in a doggie bar having
a drink when a good-looking female collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can say 'liver and cheese' in a sentence can have me."
The Doberman says, 'I love liver and cheese."
"Thats not good enough," says the collie.
"I hate liver and cheese," says the bulldog.
"That's not creative," says the collie.
Finally, the chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:26 am Post Subject:

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and
a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor,
defenceless creature i shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"

Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 02:35 am Post Subject:

One for christmas

How to Tell if You're a Grinch
You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).
You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)
After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The New Grinch of Christmas crime has arrived.

Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 01:31 pm Post Subject:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 03:22 am Post Subject:

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 03:24 am Post Subject:

lol,

Full of Hot Air

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 03:37 am Post Subject:

Okay, that is true, only in america, LOL

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:47 am Post Subject:

LOL, like them both, how true, how true.

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:53 am Post Subject:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:57 am Post Subject:

The Great Wizard of Oz

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"