Funny Poems

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:28 am Post Subject:

Without a keen sense of humor, you will never survive as an English
teacher. Read some of these gems from students' papers and feel free
to laugh out loud.

1. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

2. In 1957, Eugene O'Neill won a Pullet Surprize.

3. Each Thanksgiving, it is a tradition for my family to shoot peasants.

4. Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up
dead.

5. At the start of _The Grapes of Wrath_, Oklahoma has been hit by a
dust bowl.

6. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the
son of his father, but a president isn't.

7. Last year, many lives were caused by accidents.

8. Only you can prevent forced fires.

9. The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:29 am Post Subject:

Who said children are getting dumber every year.
Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!


TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!


TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.


TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.


TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.


TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases
caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.


TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.


TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:31 am Post Subject:

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and
that she will if required.... so get out of the car.

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition.
Her car was identical and parked four / five spaces further down. She
loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white
males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman......no
charges were filed.

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:34 am Post Subject:

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20
times since I've been here in your office. You did't know I was farting
because they didn't smell and are silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they
stink terribly."
"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:27 am Post Subject:

Hey dreamer, these poems are cute, don't see many people participating in this part of the forum, I was hoping it would be more popular. Hope to see you here again soon.

Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 12:19 am Post Subject:

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 12:22 am Post Subject:

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a
walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"
one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 12:23 am Post Subject:

For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 12:18 pm Post Subject:

Dreamer,

Did you desert us or what? Have not seen you here for a while???????

Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 09:03 pm Post Subject:

But when a young lady is to be a heroine, the perverseness of forty surrounding families cannot prevent her. Something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way.